I received what God promised. I believe I was reborn. I sense God deeply and consistently. I’ve received the Holy Spirit, which I call Reason, along with knowledge and the ability to restrain myself without conflict. I’ve separated my animal instincts from the divine gifts God gave me and chosen the latter. I understand God’s will, remain calm, and refrain from judgment. I don’t possess wealth, nor have I ever pursued it. I forgive easily—generally, I’ve never held a desire to retaliate for long. I have sufficient material goods for my needs. I can transcend even further; I feel it’s not my mind living within me but God’s Spirit. I know how to achieve this—I know the way. Yet, I struggle to convince others to trust and follow me. People fear losing themselves, their feelings, and their desires. I understand it’s difficult. God revealed to me that even He finds it hard to turn people’s hearts. I asked for miracles as a sign for others, but it’s a dead end—people would only chase them. I know there are rare individuals who might understand me, but they’re hard to find. I’ve lost faith in humanity. It seems doomed, yet God still believes in us.I am lonely. I now pursue this path for myself because, as the saying goes, treasure has no value to pigs. It is painful to feel so alone in this world. I see myself as an alien from another planet. Then I rebelled against God, declaring it pointless to convince others—an impossible task. I stepped down to an ordinary human level to connect with others and my children. Before doing so, I turned to engineering and a bit of science. I built an electric go-kart for my son and found I could easily grasp physics and electronics. Studying came naturally. I realized that if I’d had these abilities as a child, I could have become a scientist or inventor. With God’s gifts, I face no limits—no laziness, consistent effort, and no need for external motivation.
After stepping away, I lost all the benefits I mentioned earlier. I became agaia a slave to instincts—easily irritated, losing control over emotions, addicted to video games, short videos, and more. I became a miserable weakling, which I despised. Before abandoning Him, I explained to God why and promised it would be temporary while my children were growing. My wife doesn’t believe in God. If I taught my children what they could gain from God, their mother offered an easier path—to be ordinary children. God accepted my resignation calmly, without scolding or judgment.
Returning to God is not easy. I knew what it was like to be united with Him—I remember it—but I couldn’t return to that state on my own. My mind alone couldn’t achieve it. I lost that guidance and connection. The imperfections of this world kept troubling me. I had to knock and ask God to let me in again, seeking forgiveness. Yes, He accepted me. This is my fourth “resurrection.” The first lasted three years, fading slowly until I declared a temporary step away. I returned after more than a year, started a YouTube channel, and stepped away again. On my third attempt, I briefly returned to God, attended a local Christian church, but couldn’t stay long without being able to share my faith. Now, I’ve chosen to live with God for my own benefit, embracing the gifts of the Holy Spirit—what I call Reason. I planed to create this website to preserve my words for a future when people might be ready to understand. I have these gifts, but a gap remains between me and God. I asked for forgiveness but wasn’t joyful in returning because I doubt my work will have any impact. Deep down, I harbor a grievance against Him. I understand His design, but it’s hard to accept that righteous people have suffered the most throughout history. They seem powerless, without God’s protection, weapons, or priority. The opposing side always has the advantage—striking first, cheating, outnumbering, and overpowering. Their guidance is simple: they act with the cruelty of wild animals. Politicians rarely prioritize the righteous, and no representatives of the righteous hold leadership or power. This is why I focus solely on the fruits and gifts of the Holy Spirit. I hate being an unreasonable animal. And I realized, that grievance is another hook to drug me back. No way I will accept stupid instincts as my boss. I’ve said, returning to God doesn’t happen by willpower alone. I must wait for His acceptance. My repentance must be sincere, and sometimes requires longer tuning period. Through my long, repetitive experience, I’ve learned how to move in the Spirit and better understand the process of resurrection. Now, it’s less emotional than in my early experiences. Emotions are merely our flesh reacting to God’s presence. I no longer let them take hold; I switch to the Spirit faster.
Many may doubt I walk with God. I show no miracles of faith, no angels aid me, and I don’t call Jesus my Lord. My Lord is the One who guided Jesus. I know what it means to be one with God.