I want to share something. One of my earliest experiences with God happened about 20 years ago. At the time, I was a member of a Christianity-based religion, though it felt more like a cult. Eventually, I left it. The reasons? Dogmas, imperfections, contradictions, and a vague concept of God. A crucial factor was discovering the negative truth about the founder and leader.
I used to collect money through fundraising by selling phone accessories and other small trinkets. We were taught that our hard work inspired God. We believed we had to sacrifice ourselves through suffering while maintaining gratitude in our hearts, and that through obedience to a leader, we could redeem ourselves and others from Satan. In a way, we were like Cain, needing an Abel (our group leader) to transfer our offerings—usually the money we collected—to God. I tried to be kind and believed our efforts made us better people. That’s what I thought.Our missions had two goals: external and internal. The external results were tangible—money raised, guests witnessed, and any visible outcomes. The internal results were about developing a new awareness aligned with our teachings: how strong and unstoppable we were, how grateful we felt, how we sensed God’s presence, loved people, and overcame obstacles. It was deep internal work. One day, I set a goal to love people, even if they rejected me. I tried hard—don’t laugh. You know how our instincts work: if you’re kind to me, I love you (Jesus pointed this out to the crowd), but if you hate me or act aggressively, I might resist. Eventually, an automatic reaction kicks in—fight, flight, or surrender. So, it wasn’t successful. I was really upset with myself. I couldn’t do what I’d chosen; I wasn’t capable of unconditional love. In frustration, I struck my chest with my fist and called my heart a “cursed piece of meat.” I hit the walls in despair.When I was completely broken, I cried out to God, admitting I couldn’t do it—that I was incapable of loving people unconditionally. I felt a little hatred toward myself, believing I had no value. I told God I’d only go through the external motions like an empty robot to continue my duty. I was brutally honest before God, and deeply sad, feeling useless to Him. Then, suddenly, God visited me—or touched me, or something like that. I knew that when I opened the next door, I would face God. I opened it and saw a man, but in my eyes, he was under God’s influence, or filled with God. He was very kind to me and bought what I asked him to buy. I felt God’s presence and His love so powerfully that I cried in prayer for 30 minutes. You see, I’m not as dry and cold as I might seem. By nature, I’ve always been very emotional.Interpreting that experience is another chapter. If I was brainwashed, I could have misinterpreted reality. The solid conclusion I can draw now is that we can’t defeat “Satan” through our own efforts. We need God and the willingness to surrender ourselves to Him, to be ready to be sacrificed like a lamb and receive new guidance—the Holy Spirit, Holy Reason from God, which is Reality.
Weeks later, another situation unfolded. I hadn’t fully grasped the lesson from my last experience, but I longed to feel God’s presence again. I kept fighting my instincts on my own—and I lost. People looked at me as if they were deliberately mocking and ridiculing me. I was so irritated! That irritation, and my reaction to their attitudes, upset me the most. I pictured my personality trapped in the prison of my body. I wanted to run so fast that I’d escape my physical shell. I ran as fast as I could, tears streaming down my face. Then I met God again. This time, I felt like the center of the universe. I looked up at the stars and saw the whole world revolving around me—figuratively speaking. I knew I wasn’t the true center; the Center was inside me. I was like a vessel. I felt I was the only person on the planet privileged enough to be so deeply connected with God. But once again, I didn’t draw the right conclusion. I continued believing in church dogmas until, 13 years later, I became an independent believer.
This is why truth matters. So many people from different denominations have experienced a divine touch. But the problem is that we often value these feelings more than we value God Himself. Jesus taught us to reject ourselves. My despair over being a slave to my instinctive reactions, combined with an unspoken but real desire in my heart to be with God, triggered a situation where He was willing to reveal Himself to me. Because people chase euphoria instead of the real God, they keep expecting feelings from His presence rather than seeking God and His Reason as guidance. That’s why you see shaking, screaming, and other kinds of craziness in churches—they let their irrational, animal nature take on value.
I can confidently say there’s something deeper than those wild spiritual experience. My recent encounters with God are less emotional but far more rational—and so much deeper. Try not to chase feelings and euphoria; push those aside, as they block the way to God. I’ve discovered Him as Reality in the present momen . Prayer now feels like reasoning about what’s real, anchoring me to God.